We’re currently in the biggest base in Afghanistan, prepping to leave. I remembered something vital as soon as the bulk of these guys started coming in: I hate my unit. Drama City, USA. Oh, how I didn’t miss you.

It is cold. Like, unbelievably fucking cold right now. There’s no urban centers within a few hundred miles from where I am, and I’m at an elevation that exceeds several thousand feet. I’m from the desert, and to make things better, a desert CITY. A rather large one, with a nice, warm blanket of pollution over it.

Global Warming, what’s taking so long?

I really wished I was making this shit up. So, in ten days or so, the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy will officially be off the books in UCMJ. One of my team mates is gay (Something everyone knows but doesn’t really talk about). This morning, he came into our office and did a little twirl on the doorstep before throwing his hands into the air and exclaiming “I’m gay, guys!” I don’t have a problem with it, but honestly, this whole display couldn’t have contained more camp if he skipped in and farted a shower of glitter.

So all of this started about a week or two ago. I came back from R&R to find out one of the soldiers in my team transferred to another FOB, and was replaced by this guy who was fucking up at a different one. The guy’s a weirdo, but that seems par for the course for my team at this point. Whatever. Anyway, since I’m this dude’s first line leader, Any problem people have with him officially goes through me, and I have to break the news to him. He’s been getting complaints about his odor and my squad leader asked me to deal with it. I hadn’t really noticed anything, but told him to do the regular hygiene stuff (change every day, shower, deodorize, etc).

Because the R&R block is in full swing now, we’ve been periodically getting shift changes, and the most recent one has me working directly with him. I woke up late to work, and had to do all of my personal hygiene stuff on the job. This is how it went:


*Brushing my teeth*
Him: Are you brushing because you smoke?
Me: No, I didn’t get to brush my teeth because I was late this morning.
Him: Oh, then I guess it’s been a while since you’ve done it.
Me: ….No. I brush my teeth every day.
Him: That really doesn’t do much for you.
Me: Really, smartass? How often should you brush your teeth, then?
Him: About once a week, when you can see plaque.
Me: No, dumbass. If you’re noticing plaque, that’s bad.
Him: ….Is that why my teeth are always yellow?

I then went on to ask him how often he washes his clothes and changes uniforms. His answer was once every two weeks. I really don’t wanna be the dickface that informs my squad leader about this, but he didn’t listen to me last time. What do?