I’ve been really sexually frustrated lately. I’m having wood pop whenever someone walks by, male or female, and it’s really not conducive to me doing my job out here, especially when I get so horny I just wanna rub against my rifle until I come.

Yes, you’re reading this. Get over it.

Now I’m in a huge, 150-man tent, and although I haqve a jack shack set up, it’s still sort of risky to beat my meat right now.

Send me porn.

Oh, I also spent my Christmas in a bunker. I really hope yours was more enjoyable.

It is cold. Like, unbelievably fucking cold right now. There’s no urban centers within a few hundred miles from where I am, and I’m at an elevation that exceeds several thousand feet. I’m from the desert, and to make things better, a desert CITY. A rather large one, with a nice, warm blanket of pollution over it.

Global Warming, what’s taking so long?

I have about a month or so before I start RIP, the process that will make sure that the incoming team is prepared for us to leave. It’s been a very enlightening, but overall boring year. I hope you guys were entertained. Any questions, just put them in the question box.

Second row on the right is how Afghanis take a dump. It’s a bit disturbing irl

But when it does…..

So I no longer do my original mission out here. I work an X-Ray scanner that takes X-ray images of vehicles as they come in, in case I see something that’s not supposed to be coming in (IEDs, weapons, the enemy, etc). It’s a boring gig, but it’s the closest thing I have to going outside the wire, so I’ll take it.

A few weeks ago, a taxi allegedly was involved in a collision with coalition forces. It doesn’t matter anymore, because there’s an expiration date of a few days before reimbursement claims can be made with the forces out here. Why am I telling you this, Constant Reader? Keep going.

One of the units here rented out a few donkeys. For whatever reason, I have no clue, but I like to pretend that they were using it for shows that are very prevalent in Tijuana. It just so happened that this was the same day that taxi guy decided to try and make his claim. The following is how I found all of this out.

I’m at the gate, doing my thing, when all I hear out of nowhere is my name followed by “ARE YOU FUCKING OKAY?!” I come out of my area to see my first line leader running like crazy over to the Entry Control Point before slowing down after he sees I’m ok.

Me: Am I in trouble.

Him: You’re not hurt, are you?

Me: I’m fine, last I checked.

Him: Thank God, because all I got from someone was that there was an accident involving a taxi cab, some donkeys, and an American soldier at the gate. Since you’re the only American out here….

Me: …………………………….Wow.

It turns out that the cab driver came the same time one of the people from the unit that rented the donkies did. Somehow it turned into what was described above. I really don’t know how.

On the plus side, I got to scan two donkeys!

My FOB just keeps getting more and more awesome.

Recently a midget got work here on the base. Coincidentally(?), one of the civilians shipped a human-sized hamster ball over here. Shortly after this happened, he found out about the midget. He now wants there to put the midget in the ball, take it to the flight line, and have two Kiowa Warrior helicopters play pong with the midget as the ball.

I really wished I was making this shit up. So, in ten days or so, the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy will officially be off the books in UCMJ. One of my team mates is gay (Something everyone knows but doesn’t really talk about). This morning, he came into our office and did a little twirl on the doorstep before throwing his hands into the air and exclaiming “I’m gay, guys!” I don’t have a problem with it, but honestly, this whole display couldn’t have contained more camp if he skipped in and farted a shower of glitter.

So you always hear about the retarded shit soldiers do when bored. I haven’t run into anything beyond someone singing off key in the shower, or the wonderful game called “manhunt”. And no, I will not tell you what that is.

Today I heard probably the best thing ever.

I suffered a heat stroke about two years ago, and since then I’ve been susceptible to the maladies that come with heat-related stress. This most recent bout has been headaches. So I was heading to the TMC (troop medical center) to see if I could score some Tylenol or something, when I heard a conversation on the other side of the door that made me stop. At the time I had no clue why this made me freeze up so, but as the conversation went on, I figured it out.

Nurse: So how’s PVT So and So doing?

Doctor: Last I checked, he’s doing fine. His burns are healing up pretty well, according to the doctors down at (name of major base nearby)

Nurse: I forgot to ask, but where did he get burned?

Doctor: The pelvic area. Some second and third degree burns that had to get taken care of.

Nurse: Oh, shit. Was the convoy under attack?

Doctor: Nope. Someone dared him to light his pubes on fire and the little shit actually did it.

At this point I was doing everything I could not to burst into tears laughing. I know the dude in question, and this sounds exactly like something he’d do.

The U.S. Military. We r so smrt

I have an active imagination, tumblr. Which has brought me to the conclusion that it’s better to be in a relationship overseas than it is to be single. If I was in a relationship, I wouldn’t be having these fantasies. Now, at first they were regular sex fantasies about random attractive people on the FOB. Now it’s progressed into full blown mental romances with anyone I find attractive. I shit you not, I’ve had one day dream where a French soldier who speaks decent English accepted my marriage proposal and we rode off into the Afghani desert in an MRAP with cans attached to the back.

Anyway, I got back from R&R in New York a week or two ago. I’m not gonna tell you what happened there, but suffice it to say it wasn’t happy happy funtiems. Since then, I found out that the insane soldier I was overlooking had been replaced— by an idiot savant. Where the other one’s insanity was on the violent, yet amusing spectrum, this guy is on the clueless and annoying end. He’s a former Specialist that was demoted to Private E-nothing because he’d left his weapon unsecured in a FOB that’s threatened pretty often. And then was moved to our base because the Warrant at his was ready to strangle him.

So, tumblr, time for a guessing game.

Who has two thumbs and got saddled with being the next highest in his chain of command? This guy.

Now I have to spend my days listening to his rambling banter about the meaning of life and religion laced with comments about beastiality and child rape.

I can never tell if this guy is joking or not.